When Love Isn't Enough -The Open Secret about Conflict in Couples Relationships
Of course, true love is always enough when it comes to our relationship with ourselves, but what of it in the case of intimate relationship with a partner, husband or wife? In this realm of relationship with another, our underlying, undying love for each other may just not be enough in itself to sustain the relationship in a way where both people feel satisfied and connected enough to stick it out.
Unconditional vs. Conditional Love in Adult Relationships
One reason this appears to be so is because unlike a mother’s love for her infant or perhaps even her toddler, most of our embodied love as it plays out in relationship with a partner in adulthood appears to be, to varying degrees, conditional. If a mother’s love for her baby is unconditional, ours for our lover is very rarely practiced as such. Even if, at core, our true nature or essence may love our partner unconditionally just as they are, from our relative and conditioned personality, this just isn’t true. We have needs and preferences from this conditioned place, which is not wrong or problematic at all, just a natural part of conditioning. As a personality, as a ‘separate self’, we do have needs, preferences, some of them very strong, and even of course, deal-breakers and bottom lines.
The Myth of ‘Happily Ever After’
I want to throw it out there that, like so many things that seem to be true, we are in fact taught its relative opposite. In fact, there seems to be a 2 for 1 special floating around out there in our collective conditioning, which states that:
Falling in love with another will inevitably lead to living ‘happily ever after’
And, that once in love, this in itself is an absolute sign that the love is enough, one way or another, to sustain and render that relationship healthy and life-long.
Why Love Needs to Be Felt, Not Just Known
‘Love is All You Need’. It’s even in our most beloved music. Sometimes even The Beatles may have gotten it wrong! We need that love to be embodied, expressed, related to us to a degree that is a ‘tipping point’. Otherwise, the love that is there feels buried, and thus is not felt. This usually leads, over the years, to built-up resentment, contempt, and defensiveness, all signifying varying degrees of a lack of emotional connection and safety.
The Role of Therapy in Making Love Work
Finally, in my experience of working as a couples therapist for the past 12 years, I’ve seen communication breakdowns unfold even between people who care deeply for each other. I’ve helped many partners embody their love through the unlearning and relearning that happens in couples therapy—some have grown closer, while others have peacefully gone their separate ways. Love is foundational in a relationship, but it’s not the only thing required to make it thrive. Pillars like openness, trust, and honest communication are equally vital. If you and your partner are ready to explore how therapy can help strengthen your relationship, visit my couples counseling page to learn more.